me left, me came back, unsure for how long

more often than not, i have been told that I am the perfect kind of guy my lady-friends would want.

no, not saying this to boast, but i have a point i'm getting to by the end of this post.

in light of what i've been told, it then leads me to my next question:

if i WERE the kind of guy for you, then why is it that i'm so easily friendzoned?

they say, "oh it cause we have history. we grew up together. you're more like a bro to me and someone i can run to for advise and guidance in terms of relationships and life stuff"

hmm... point taken. i'm your whore for advise and help when you need it. ok. that's fine by me.

this leads me to the next thing i've been told tho.

my lady-friends (more than one, that is) have taken the liberty to explain why i'm prone to being friendzoned.

their answer? i'm too nice a guy.

no, not the creepy-nice kind of guy. but the kind of nice guy whom a female friend would come running to about her problems in relationships and life, whilst having full confidence that i'd have set up boundaries from being a rebound for her. yeah, i'm just that kind of a guy i guess.

generally (to my understanding), girls want a gentleman. someone who listens, give sound advice, helps, is considerate in what he says or does, is all-rounded, and have nothing more than good intentions with personal agendas and motives aside when it comes to caring for them.

i honestly do see myself as all that. and no, what i see in myself isn't self-measured. i know for sure simply because of the external confirmations i have been receiving for years on end now about the kind of guy i am towards my lady-friends. yet at the same time, i am told that the above characteristics attributes to me being friendzoned.

yes, i'm damned confused with what works and what doesn't haha. 

SA - a junior of mine in college and a girl who's like a bro to me haha. realistic and very down-to-earth

SA: Moses, you're too nice to girls. you gotta learn how to ignore them once in a while. what's more is that you're not 'bad' enough. girls like the 'bad-boy' factor they see in guys. it gives them the impression that you're mysterious, there's more to you to discover, and that you'd be able to provide them a sense of security. There's this Chinese saying, 男人不坏，女人不爱 (guy not 'bad' enough, women no love).

CF - a close female-friend of mine who pretty much knows me inside-out because i tell her pretty much everything that comes to mind. i allow myself the liberty of being an open book for her to read and understand. mutually, we're each other's confidants and rarely would you find someone of the opposite sex who understands you intimately, yet isn't emotionally nor physically intimate with you.

CF: i'm starting to think you're almost always friendzoned because you'd clarify that you are just a friend that closes future doors on the possibility of friendship blossoming into something further. not that it's a bad thing that you're such a gentleman. but i think it contributes to you being friendzoned.

i've also been made known a list of negative reinforcements i should be using to get a girl:

- don't care too much for her (pretty vague, i know - how much is too much?)

- ignore her at some point of the courting process

- neglect her and she'll come crawling back to you

- stay 'mysterious' to keep her wondering

- do all this and then come back in, showing her how much you're sorry and that you really do care so as to show her your sensitive side.

honestly, fuck that.

i'm not that sort of a person to pursue using negative reinforcements.

but i guess there is a sliver of truth within the views both SA and CF provided. 

then again, this is what i think:

i've forgotten but i just remembered that there just ISN'T any set way to get a guy or girl - what works and what doesn't.

it's just stuff people say to seem smart in something that you don't even need rules to abide by.

plus, in retrospect, another friend suggested how most relationships that abides by the negative reinforcements above usually do end up in break-ups by a large margin, no? that speaks truth to me, really.

depending on who you work it out with, you make the rules. you both do. and what works is whatever and however things work between the both of you. you don't need some trash magazine to DO THIS or DO THAT to get a girl or guy, really. ball's in your court, just hoop it.

so no, i don't see the point of being flustered about what does or doesn't work in getting a girl anymore.

i'd like to think that this is who i am and there's nothing bad at all with the kind of characteristics i have.

i've been in three different relationships before. and no, nothing more on the side, never. it's not about the number of relationships. but more so the fact that i used what i have in me, to get a girl still, no (even though they all still ended nonetheless)?

unlike most other people (i feel), i know what i DON'T WANT in a relationship. which explains why i've been single since for over a year now since my last breakup. and also the reason why ever since coming here to the US now for 3 years, i haven't had any flings, nor hook-ups with girls here. it just isn't what i want, something as shallow as that. what i want is a wholesome, fulfilling relationship which bring constant, successive levels of growth between 'her' and I. the sky's the limit as to the growth a couple can achieve, really. THAT is that i want. what's more is that the next relationship i have would be something that i AM looking to ultimately lead into marriage and so forth (with nothing to do with the 50% American probability of couples getting divorced, that is).

i've decided that if i were to pursue a girl (in which i haven't done for the past 2 years now), i'd do nothing more than to portray my characteristical (yes, i just made up my own word) goods. if she doesn't like it, she's free to walk away. if she does, then we'll see where it goes from there.

all in all, i know what i don't want in a relationship and being friendzoned just means that there's tons more room for growth in being just friends with them ladies. nothing more, nothing less.

sounds implausibly positive. but hey, it's realistic enough for me.

to Piggy

me left, me came back, unsure for how long

i know who you were before, but now, this is what you've grown into :) and i'm proud of you



                                       You say good morning, and good evening
                                       The day is done, and you've come to find
                                       The words are fleeting, I hear your quiet breathing
                                       Is something wrong?

                                       You come on two knees, with more than two needs
                                       Finding that it's all too easy
                                       To be helped and found
                                       You slept and he said

                                       It is in you, to carry on
                                       It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
                                       It is in you, to find your way home

                                       Daylight's coming, the sun is blazing
                                       New beginnings seep into you
                                       But in the end it's distant shadows
                                       That finally overwhelm your senses
                                       And this time around
                                       Is it love that you crown?
                                       And this time around
                                       You'll be more than who you are

                                       It is in you, to carry on
                                       It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
                                       It is in you, to find your way home

                                       Whoa oh oh oh... 

                                       Could you find yourself a way home?

                                       It is in you, to carry on
                                       It is in you, (ohh) to lay down fears that hold
                                       It is in you, (ohh) to find your way home

today, i cried my last for you. but we'll see each other again, one day. for sure.
Later :')

cry

me left, me came back, unsure for how long

as far as i can tell, i don't really remember the last time i cried. since March of 2011? if so, then its been a year since i've cried a single drop. teared? yes. but mostly from yawning or if something gets in my eye.
ever since the events from the last post, i've become cold, immensely so. emotionless most of the time, i disallowed myself the luxury to even cry. it came to the point where i couldnt even cry when i felt like it. i thought i was broken beyond repair.

but tonight. tonight was the first time i've cried in a year. and as sad as it sounds, it was one of huge relief. crying is good. good for the soul. and tonight, i cried over... and over again. while typing and reading the words on my computer screen.

to you who might read this one day and know that it's you.

you're welcome :)

sincerely,
once a Bear

the boat sinks, sunk and was revived... barely

me left, me came back, unsure for how long

2011's gone and past and looking back, it wasn't easy for me at all. nope, i'm not gonna add in a whole spiel about how college, work and homework sucked and all that... it wasn't that at all. it was depression. 

for just about half of 2011, that was just about it - depression, full-stop.

why?

typical as it may be, it was because of a girl. 

warnings for what's to come ahead - everything written here is from my point of view and i always do my best in telling it as is, no more, no less, with full understanding of having parts/sides of the story being omitted from even myself. 

don't know for sure why i'm typing all this out here, in public. guess its easier to talk about it now that most of everything's past myself, even her (from what i garnered). partly, it's also because well, no one hardly ever reads this blog anymore now that its been inactive for the past couple of years till about a week ago. so i'll just stake on the possibility of no one ever reading this, not even her :/

for a year and a half before i last saw her in Dec of 2010, we were literally half a world apart from each other with me being in the United States and her staying put back home in Malaysia. time zones apart, i was literally living in yesterday simply because Michigan's exactly 12 hours behind Malaysia and 13 during daylight savings. was it hard, living in different time zones? no, not for me. it was just frustrating at the time how i was neither able to text nor call her as much as i did, whenever and wherever i wanted to, before i left home. 

was the LDR hard for me? no. well... i don't know, but i was surprisingly fine with it? i've had friends who gawk with unbelief at the fact that i'm perfectly fine with being so far apart from her for long periods of time (long periods as in months at the very least, years at most). 

this is how i make sense of the relationship from my end:

the relationship between her and i had already started off being a LDR in the first place. she was in one city, and i another and the distance between us even then was a good 16 hour car ride away. we were both dependent on our parents (still are, financially, that is), and even though i could have traveled easily to see her, i was well, her well-kept secret. unseemingly true, a guy like me tends to get emotionally attached when it comes to relationship. however, the relationship i had with her had the strongest of attachments i've ever had. the sense of trust i had in her, the commitment i had in the relationship, the transparency i devoted myself to her... all these were enough to quell the yearning of wanting to touch, feel, caress, kiss, hold her hand, be in her presence, hold her body close to mine, EVERYTHING... it was enough to keep all that at bay simply because i kept telling myself, "Moses, the physical separation is only temporary even if it means a few years more. you're both still pretty young but if you hold on to her long enough, and her, you, you both would do so rightly to make your way towards each other, given time, trust, and commitment. but that was not to happen, not entirely at least. 

but from what i gradually gathered, she wasn't taking the LDR well, at all. it was hard finding out because of the lack of reciprocation on her part. i had to guess. read between the lines. She wouldn’t tell me. and if I pushed or tugged, she’d log off and run away over and over again. for most of the first year and a half being in the US, i was left hanging, over and over again. It was infuriatingly frustrating. gosh... a year and a half. brutal it was, but i loved her so, unwavering still. 

the time came when i was able to go home for the first time since arriving here in the US. the main reason for going home: to see her and make things right. it didn't help how my aunt and uncle were giving me their speeches about how wasteful it was for me to fly back, using so much of dad's money, adding on to the guilt that was already present. fucking annoying, they were. but i loved them just the same, despite their judgmental prying and comparisons between their perfect son and I. after all, they're still family. seeing her again filled me with... mixed emotions. this is how it was:

i made my way to the airport to see her (flew in from her hometown, see) and when i saw her for the first time in almost 2 years, she had a face of apprehension despite having told me how excited she was about seeing me just the night before. i don't know. it was... odd. it sure wasn't what i expected at all. i sound biased saying this, but her lack of reciprocation and sense of apprehension at the time made the whole trip seem but for naught. it was hard. it wasn't what i had it mind. it wasn't even close to what i dreamed of. but i held on, hoping still. 

But being able to see her again was good. My heart would soar whenever I saw her, hear her speak, read her expressions and experience the body language, feel the touch of her lips against mine…

But at the same time, we were both dodging the real reason why I came home. It was a foreboding matter we unspokenly chose to leave unattended till either one of us had to leave – mainly, me.

“you know, my feelings for you hasn’t changed one bit ever since I first told you that I loved you. Once you have me, you won’t lose me. the only time you’d have lost me, is if you lost me yourself”

It was something I said to her over and over again, to reassure her as best as I could. But I could only do so much for someone who was hurting herself deep inside.

Towards the end of my stay in Malaysia, I found out that which I was unable to before about her. She was hurting, obviously. but the one hurting her was… herself. The lack of confidence, the dependency of needing me around physically, the innate fear of ever holding me back from being able to achieve everything I could ever achieve in a foreign country, the fear of having a LDR itself.

Her, “Moses, I don’t want a LDR… period”

And that the only way we could stay together would be if I was in the same city or someplace where we could be close to each other.

It crushed me to hear that. I thought she’d be stronger than that. guess I was wrong.

You know how you read in romance novels how the guy loves the girl so much that he was willing to leave her for her own good with nothing more than hopes of her finding happyness? That was me.

3 nights before I left for the US, I decided to break it off for her. this was because I could see… that she wasn’t able to bring herself to break it off at the time. I didn’t want to give her a reason to emotionally hurt herself any longer. I hated every second of it. It wasn’t going as planned. It actually was crumbling for real, for me. being deeply emotionally attached, I was mortified even while keeping a ‘strong’ look to help her feel less guilty about it. I’ve cried enough already.

Fast forward 6 months: The Depression

I came back to the US still feeling sad. From sadness it deepened into depression. I would see nightmares of her making fun of me for falling for her in the first place. I would be on my knees, begging, crying for her to stop. To see… to see my heart for what it was. Many times I’d wake up with the sheets wet and my face moist with tears. The fear of seeing them gripped me so hard I became afraid of falling asleep. Days of not sleeping eventually led to insomnia. During nights of being unable to sleep, I’d waste the hours away reading, working, studying, doing anything to keep my mind off of her. the sleeping pills wouldn’t work. I had no one to talk to, not even my friends.

It isn’t easy you know… coming out and telling people, “Hey, guess what? I’ve came back to the US after a break up and now I’ve not depression and insomnia to boot.

For the most part, I was alone. Alone with my thoughts. That’s one of the most dangerous things you could leave a person with depression with – his/her thoughts.

It’s hard to pin depression down to a single description. But to sum it up, I DID feel depressed (no brainer), feeling of lifelessness, I lost my appetite, lost weight, nausea from lack of sleep, thoughts of suicide, chose not to attend classes, stayed in bed most of the time just… lying and falling asleep whenever being completely exhausted from not sleeping (this helps me from experiencing any nightmares), wasn’t doing homework on a consistent basis, didn’t bother at all with studies, neglected both my part-time jobs, scored the lowest ever since coming to the US: 3.40/4.00 GPA.

I was a wreck. I loved her still. And this happened, for six months. During which the whole time, she was dodging me still whenever I brought up anything that had to do with us. Not helping.

It’s easier to talk about this now simply because things have gotten better for me. I’ve talked to the right people and it’s gotten be straight, for now.

the relationship?

pretty much still the same: down the drain.

Do I still love her even after all this time?

Yes, I still do.

Do I resent her for everything she’s done?

I don’t know even though my friends say that I should.

Would I want her back if given the chance?

I don’t know. Because everything we stood for before, was gone, after all that. I’d have to rethink things for sure.

Do I still feel emo about her?

From time to time yeah. But not enough to cripple me like before.

Do I still think about her?

Every day, just wondering.

Are we still talking?

No. Not for now, at least.

At this point, we haven’t spoken since September, thanks to James. He’s been a huge help. saying goodbye then did help me move on to where I am right now: in Chicago, looking for a job and moving on as best as I can. Although she’s still been trying to get in touch with me, I still haven’t decided when I’ll be ready to ever talk to her again.

As with matters of the heart, it’ll take as long as it takes. 


hence, coming back to where i first started off. the first half of 2011 was fucked, the 2nd half was me picking up the pieces all over again. 2012? we'll see what happens, and it sure as heck isn't going to start off with another bout of depression.

the prodigal blogger returns. but for how long?

me left, me came back, unsure for how long

its been about a little over 2 years since i've posted anything on this blog. been about a year since i've even given it a slight peek.

why the return?

i don't know for sure. but i guess its safe to say that at this point, i've tons of words and ideas in mind in which i need an outlet to abuse and leave it pouring, lest i implode inward.

updates from the past 2 years?
okay okay, here goes...

1. flew to the US as planned and transferred into Spring Arbor University (SAU), a Christian-dominated bubble that is the majority of the quaint little 6 mile-long town of Spring Arbor, Michigan to finish up my Bachelor's in Finance.

2. made my way up within the student body and got myself into the Student Government Association with the position of the university's International Student Representative (ISR).

3. worked my ass off as the ISR cause well, the university's still in its infancy years with housing international students and does not have a directorial position within the university for international students. so yeah, i was a student, from Malaysia, playing half the roles a non-existent director should be doing.

4. mostly scored A's in the courses i've taken within the 2 and a half years in SAU. here's proof:


5. made more friends than i can count, but decided towards the end of my time in SAU to only acquaint myself with most of them and only keep a select few a true friends.

6. officially graduated with a Bachelor's in Finance as of December 2011 (yay me!).

7. graduated with an CGPA of 3.76/4.00 (not being cocky, updating, is all). mom and dad, i hope your eldest and most mischievous of sons made you proud :) yes, i gave them a mega-hard time when i was a kid heh.

8. moved myself to the City of Chicago for better job prospects.

9. moved in with a Mexican family as a stepping stone. and yes, delicious Mexican home-made food almost everyday.

10. still jobless and bumming cause i dont have the proper documentations just yet in order to enable myself full job interviews. waiting for them in the mail.

12. going to be working here in Chicago for at least a year before heading back to school for Grad Studies.

13. this means i won't be headed home to Malaysia for at least a year and half. at most, 2 years.

14. called mom and told her about the news. she didn't sound all that happy cause well, i'm her momma's boy and yes, we do think about and miss each other.

15. i just cleaned up whatever it is Oreo (house dog here) puked out. it was thick, pale-yellow colored, frothy saliva. Eww. why? cause i was the one who saw it and he puked under the table i'm sitting at right now. oh joy.

so that's pretty much a brief summary of me. nothing in detail, really. but i guess that'll change as soon as i start posting more about life here in the US.

if you're reading this, it means you found/checked it out again by chance. cause i kinda decided to not let anyone know about the possible short-term revival of this blog. unsure about how long i'll keep it up but hey, enjoy :)

and i leave you with an updated photo of my miserable self taken with the blasphemy that is my webcam :D