me left, me came back, unsure for how long
2011's gone and past and looking back, it wasn't easy for me at all. nope, i'm not gonna add in a whole spiel about how college, work and homework sucked and all that... it wasn't that at all. it was depression.
for just about half of 2011, that was just about it - depression, full-stop.
why?
typical as it may be, it was because of a girl.
warnings for what's to come ahead - everything written here is from my point of view and i always do my best in telling it as is, no more, no less, with full understanding of having parts/sides of the story being omitted from even myself.
don't know for sure why i'm typing all this out here, in public. guess its easier to talk about it now that most of everything's past myself, even her (from what i garnered). partly, it's also because well, no one hardly ever reads this blog anymore now that its been inactive for the past couple of years till about a week ago. so i'll just stake on the possibility of no one ever reading this, not even her :/
for a year and a half before i last saw her in Dec of 2010, we were literally half a world apart from each other with me being in the United States and her staying put back home in Malaysia. time zones apart, i was literally living in yesterday simply because Michigan's exactly 12 hours behind Malaysia and 13 during daylight savings. was it hard, living in different time zones? no, not for me. it was just frustrating at the time how i was neither able to text nor call her as much as i did, whenever and wherever i wanted to, before i left home.
was the LDR hard for me? no. well... i don't know, but i was surprisingly fine with it? i've had friends who gawk with unbelief at the fact that i'm perfectly fine with being so far apart from her for long periods of time (long periods as in months at the very least, years at most).
this is how i make sense of the relationship from my end:
the relationship between her and i had already started off being a LDR in the first place. she was in one city, and i another and the distance between us even then was a good 16 hour car ride away. we were both dependent on our parents (still are, financially, that is), and even though i could have traveled easily to see her, i was well, her well-kept secret. unseemingly true, a guy like me tends to get emotionally attached when it comes to relationship. however, the relationship i had with her had the strongest of attachments i've ever had. the sense of trust i had in her, the commitment i had in the relationship, the transparency i devoted myself to her... all these were enough to quell the yearning of wanting to touch, feel, caress, kiss, hold her hand, be in her presence, hold her body close to mine, EVERYTHING... it was enough to keep all that at bay simply because i kept telling myself, "Moses, the physical separation is only temporary even if it means a few years more. you're both still pretty young but if you hold on to her long enough, and her, you, you both would do so rightly to make your way towards each other, given time, trust, and commitment. but that was not to happen, not entirely at least.
but from what i gradually gathered, she wasn't taking the LDR well, at all. it was hard finding out because of the lack of reciprocation on her part. i had to guess. read between the lines. She wouldn’t tell me. and if I pushed or tugged, she’d log off and run away over and over again. for most of the first year and a half being in the US, i was left hanging, over and over again. It was infuriatingly frustrating. gosh... a year and a half. brutal it was, but i loved her so, unwavering still.
the time came when i was able to go home for the first time since arriving here in the US. the main reason for going home: to see her and make things right. it didn't help how my aunt and uncle were giving me their speeches about how wasteful it was for me to fly back, using so much of dad's money, adding on to the guilt that was already present. fucking annoying, they were. but i loved them just the same, despite their judgmental prying and comparisons between their perfect son and I. after all, they're still family. seeing her again filled me with... mixed emotions. this is how it was:
i made my way to the airport to see her (flew in from her hometown, see) and when i saw her for the first time in almost 2 years, she had a face of apprehension despite having told me how excited she was about seeing me just the night before. i don't know. it was... odd. it sure wasn't what i expected at all. i sound biased saying this, but her lack of reciprocation and sense of apprehension at the time made the whole trip seem but for naught. it was hard. it wasn't what i had it mind. it wasn't even close to what i dreamed of. but i held on, hoping still.
But being able to see her again was good. My heart would soar whenever I saw her, hear her speak, read her expressions and experience the body language, feel the touch of her lips against mine…
But at the same time, we were both dodging the real reason why I came home. It was a foreboding matter we unspokenly chose to leave unattended till either one of us had to leave – mainly, me.
“you know, my feelings for you hasn’t changed one bit ever since I first told you that I loved you. Once you have me, you won’t lose me. the only time you’d have lost me, is if you lost me yourself”
It was something I said to her over and over again, to reassure her as best as I could. But I could only do so much for someone who was hurting herself deep inside.
Towards the end of my stay in Malaysia, I found out that which I was unable to before about her. She was hurting, obviously. but the one hurting her was… herself. The lack of confidence, the dependency of needing me around physically, the innate fear of ever holding me back from being able to achieve everything I could ever achieve in a foreign country, the fear of having a LDR itself.
Her, “Moses, I don’t want a LDR… period”
And that the only way we could stay together would be if I was in the same city or someplace where we could be close to each other.
It crushed me to hear that. I thought she’d be stronger than that. guess I was wrong.
You know how you read in romance novels how the guy loves the girl so much that he was willing to leave her for her own good with nothing more than hopes of her finding happyness? That was me.
3 nights before I left for the US, I decided to break it off for her. this was because I could see… that she wasn’t able to bring herself to break it off at the time. I didn’t want to give her a reason to emotionally hurt herself any longer. I hated every second of it. It wasn’t going as planned. It actually was crumbling for real, for me. being deeply emotionally attached, I was mortified even while keeping a ‘strong’ look to help her feel less guilty about it. I’ve cried enough already.
Fast forward 6 months: The Depression
I came back to the US still feeling sad. From sadness it deepened into depression. I would see nightmares of her making fun of me for falling for her in the first place. I would be on my knees, begging, crying for her to stop. To see… to see my heart for what it was. Many times I’d wake up with the sheets wet and my face moist with tears. The fear of seeing them gripped me so hard I became afraid of falling asleep. Days of not sleeping eventually led to insomnia. During nights of being unable to sleep, I’d waste the hours away reading, working, studying, doing anything to keep my mind off of her. the sleeping pills wouldn’t work. I had no one to talk to, not even my friends.
It isn’t easy you know… coming out and telling people, “Hey, guess what? I’ve came back to the US after a break up and now I’ve not depression and insomnia to boot.
For the most part, I was alone. Alone with my thoughts. That’s one of the most dangerous things you could leave a person with depression with – his/her thoughts.
It’s hard to pin depression down to a single description. But to sum it up, I DID feel depressed (no brainer), feeling of lifelessness, I lost my appetite, lost weight, nausea from lack of sleep, thoughts of suicide, chose not to attend classes, stayed in bed most of the time just… lying and falling asleep whenever being completely exhausted from not sleeping (this helps me from experiencing any nightmares), wasn’t doing homework on a consistent basis, didn’t bother at all with studies, neglected both my part-time jobs, scored the lowest ever since coming to the US: 3.40/4.00 GPA.
I was a wreck. I loved her still. And this happened, for six months. During which the whole time, she was dodging me still whenever I brought up anything that had to do with us. Not helping.
It’s easier to talk about this now simply because things have gotten better for me. I’ve talked to the right people and it’s gotten be straight, for now.
the relationship?
pretty much still the same: down the drain.
Do I still love her even after all this time?
Yes, I still do.
Do I resent her for everything she’s done?
I don’t know even though my friends say that I should.
Would I want her back if given the chance?
I don’t know. Because everything we stood for before, was gone, after all that. I’d have to rethink things for sure.
Do I still feel emo about her?
From time to time yeah. But not enough to cripple me like before.
Do I still think about her?
Every day, just wondering.
Are we still talking?
No. Not for now, at least.
At this point, we haven’t spoken since September, thanks to James. He’s been a huge help. saying goodbye then did help me move on to where I am right now: in Chicago, looking for a job and moving on as best as I can. Although she’s still been trying to get in touch with me, I still haven’t decided when I’ll be ready to ever talk to her again.
As with matters of the heart, it’ll take as long as it takes.
hence, coming back to where i first started off. the first half of 2011 was fucked, the 2nd half was me picking up the pieces all over again. 2012? we'll see what happens, and it sure as heck isn't going to start off with another bout of depression.
hence, coming back to where i first started off. the first half of 2011 was fucked, the 2nd half was me picking up the pieces all over again. 2012? we'll see what happens, and it sure as heck isn't going to start off with another bout of depression.
